Happy Anniversary

Amanda,

Yesterday was our anniversary. And I miss you something awful. We’ve been married for 9 years now, but those 9 years have felt like a lifetime. I sit here and have trouble putting into words how much we’ve been through and how close I feel to you. Yet, even though we’ve been through so much, we stand right in the middle of the most trying time we’ll ever face.

I was watching a few minutes of football last week and of course there was pink all over the field, for breast cancer awareness. How cute. I even saw some kid wearing pink socks at Stewarts with his football jersey… and while both watching the game and seeing that kid, I felt angry. Like a deep, primordial anger that made me turn the TV off and have to walk out of the store. It surprised and scared me. I wanted him to take those socks off. Every time I saw a pink towel at the game, I wanted to turn the TV off. It got so unbearable, I had to miss all of the football games that week.

You know why? Because I almost feel like they think it’s cool. It’s an f’in joke to these people. Not so much in that they laugh about it, but so much in that they have absolutely no clue what their supporting, and are only wearing this crap because they either have to, or because it makes them feel or look cool. Whereas in reality, I look at people wearing this stuff and I get disgusted.

Cancer has destroyed my family, and there is nothing “cool” about it.

I wonder if that dude who is wearing that pink jersey knows what it’s like to go to work for a few weeks, having no idea whether or not his wife is going to live to see her next Christmas. Probably not. Does that kid wearing those socks know what it’s like to see his mom become so disfigured that she can’t look in the mirror anymore without becoming severely depressed?

That ref that just threw that pink flag for “holding”… I wonder if he knows what it’s like to watch his otherwise happy and loving wife spiral downward into a pit of depression so deep that she can’t sleep, eat, take care of her kids, leave the house, or face life? Does he know how it feels to watch that happen as he sits idly by, completely unable to help… to the point of hopelessness? To have to beg her to go to her final treatments because she simply can’t take the abuse anymore? To wake up at 1 AM to his wife uncontrollably sobbing because she just went to the bathroom and caught a glance of herself in the mirror? To watch her quickly lose everything in her life as she tries to make the physical and emotional pain go away? I wonder if he knows what it’s like to read posts on Facebook and just fill with envy at pretty much everyone who is living a normal, healthy life that isn’t completely full of sadness and pain, and know his wife is doing the same?

That lady wearing the “save the ta ta’s” shirt… does she know that finding a little lump smaller than her pinky’s fingernail could lead to gaining 30 pounds, removal of her hair, boobs, lymph nodes, ovaries, and uterus, permanent physical and psychological scars, premature menopause, loss of normal use and permanent pain and swelling of her right arm, a lifetime of daily physical therapy, 15 years of side effects from reduced / eliminated estrogen production, PTSD, and major, debilitating depression? HA! Save the ta ta’s… freakin hilarious. I guess I find it hard to laugh at that now.

Look, I know that this will pass, eventually. But I also know that our lives will never be the same again. And I know that you, I, and We will never be the same again. Like I said, we’ve been through a lot. But nothing like this. I hope that the next 9 years are better and more tranquil than the last one has been. Nobody will ever understand what we've been through, but I love you, and I will always be there for you.

Lots Going On in the Reed House

It has been a bit since my last post. There has been so much going on in the last couple of weeks we have been super busy. In my last post I was hoping to keep my hair until after the Jog for Jugs and Mothers Day. Well that did not end up happening. After my second round of chemo it started to fall out. By Friday it was coming out in handfuls and I could not take it anymore. I knew what had to be done but I was not looking forward to it at all. Bry was out with his coworkers so Sam came over and shaved my hair off. I cried my eyes out looking in the mirror for the first time. Bry came home just in time for my meltdown.  As hard as it was to lose my hair it was actually a relief. I feel like it was the last big step in this process. I have a bin full of cute hats and scarfs and 2 beautiful wigs that I have been rocking.

On Saturday we had our annual Jog for Jugs 5k and half marathon race. I was so overwhelmed with the outpouring of support of friends and family that showed up to do this race to support me. My brother designed beautiful shirts that pretty much was worn by almost 1/2 of the racers. They announced me as a survivor and I had a few tears come through at the beginning of the race.  Huge thanks to my Dad, Nicky, and Sam for all of your hard work working on the shirts and coordinating everything for the race. Thank you all who came out to support me as well!

Mothers Day was pretty low key this year. We went to Hoffmans Playland with my inlaws. The kids had a blast and we celebrated Bryan Paul's birthday as well. All in all it was a really great weekend.

This week was my 3rd round of chemo. This was the first week where I was not dreading going. I actually was looking forward to a little quiet time watching my Vampire Diaries. I found this to be another big step for me.  I went in to this week with an "I got this" attitude. I kept up with my meds after and got through my rough days. Now I get a week of normal, yeahhhhhh!

This past Thursday my sister in law Jessica hosted a 31 party in my honor. Tera who is a good friend of the family is a consultant and wanted to do this party and donate her commission to me. I am so proud to have so many people around to support me.  We had a blast at the party and I can not wait to get my bags:-)

These next couple of weeks are going to be a bit difficult. Bry has his Guard 2 weeks away in June. I will have a chemo session while he is gone. I was going to put it off a week but decided that I really want to be done with this process as soon as possible so I am going to push through.

Thank you all for all of your love and support. The meals have been such an amazing help and are so much appreciated.

Second Round of Chemo

I had my second round of chemo yesterday. I cried all morning not wanting to go. The worst part is I am gradually starting to lose my hair. I noticed it yesterday morning of all days. That did not help with the emotional junk of dealing with the chemo. I was hoping to hold out until Mothers Day before shaving, we will see. Mady asks me daily when I am going to lose my hair. She has also agreed to grow out her hair for Locks of Love which is a program where people donate their hair for people going through chemo. She will be rocking the bob for a few months but she is happy she is doing this for people like me.

I seem to be getting the hang of my side effects and are trying to take my meds to keep on top of it. It is a learning process:-)

I am so excited for the Jog for Jugs and Mothers Day this weekend. I am hoping to be feeling good enough for everything, and still have some hair;-)

HUGE shout out to Bry, and Sam who are not only my emotional support but help me out beyond words. Also to my parents and inlaws who have helped and loved me so very much. The meals have been a GODSEND! Thank you all for everything!

First week after chemo

Last Monday I had my first chemo treatment. It was pretty un eventful except for 1/2 way through going to the bathroom and peeing red because of what they call the "red devil" drug.  Bry came with me and was happy as a clam working on our new house plans. I went in there shaking like a leaf and scared out of my mind. They gave me an anti nausea med that had a sedative in it so I could chill out a bit. I finally settled down with my Vampire Diaries. That night was not too bad, I at my comfort food, turkey sub and slept all night. The next day I had my nulesta (sp?) shot that is suppose to take the white blood cells from my bone marrow and bring them back out to cover for all of the ones the chemo killed. That day I could not eat much and every smell bothered me beyond words. The day after my shot was the worst so far. I was nauseous all day and had these horrible bone aches from the shot the day before. I now know that I need to keep up on my meds or I am going to be a hurting puppy! I still have such a hard time with them pumping all of these crazy drugs into me that cause these horrible side effects that need more drugs to counter act them. Whatever I have to do to not have this happen again I am cool with but it still disturbed me quite a bit.

I had an amazing weekend with friends and was feeling super tired but well enough to go out.  I have my next treatment on Tuesday and shot on Thursday. I am worried about being well enough for the Jog for Jugs on Saturday that so many people are walking/running in my honor. I guess I will just have to put on my big girl panties and suck it up for the morning even if that means paying for it on Mother's Day.

Thank you to all at are coming out to support me at the Jog for Jugs! You have no idea how much it means to me and my family to have this much support!  Thank you to everyone who has been making us meals and sending gift cards. It makes our life so much easier and smoother! I hope you all understand how much we appreciate and need these! THANK YOU ALL!

Next Steps

Today I had appointments to see my Oncologist for my post op appointment as well as my plastic surgeon. For the last week I have been super nervous to the point of clenching my teeth till my face hurt and feeling sick to my stomach from stress. Now that I am done with the appointments I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. At the oncologists office I was able to schedule my first 2 chemo appointments. I will be starting on Monday. I will be going every other week for 16 weeks. That puts me at finishing up chemo in the end of July. I am super happy that I will have at least 1 month of my summer without having chemo:-)  I got my port flushed and everything looked great there. Then we were off to the plastic surgeon. He said everything looks great and I am healing nicely. Also I FINALLY GOT MY DRAINS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had them in for 5 weeks so it feels amazing to have them out. One less thing to be self conscious about. Now I only have to worry about my lack of ta tas.  Pretty much good news all around. I am now moving on to the next steps. One more step toward being done:-)

Now on to the not so good news. We have been hit by the stomach bug:-( I had it last week, Bry got it yesterday, and now Mady has it. She stayed with my inlaws last night and was up all night getting sick. Poor Nonna and Grandpa Paul!  Now we are waiting for the other 2 to get it. I am breaking out the Clorox wipes and am sanitizing everything.

New Surgery

Went to see my plastic surgeon today hoping to get my drains out but knowing it was not going to happen. I was right they are still in after 3 weeks! I also thought he was going to start filling up my spacers but that did not happen either:-( I also found out that I have to go in for another surgery on thursday to get a large blood blister cut out and stitched up because it was not healing right. That will be surgery number 4 in 3 months! It will all be good but I am looking forward to some good news!

This past weekend I spent with my amazing family celebrating my birthday and Easter. I am so lucky to have my family here to celebrate this year. So thankful!

Post Surgery

I had my double massectomy on March 12th. I was SUPER nervous going in to the surgery. Bryan made me a playlist of my favorite classical music to make me relax and calm myself down. It helped a ton! Isn't it funny how something as small as listening to music can calm you down.

Surgery went right as planned, yeahhhh! I was only able to have a liquid diet that night so I was super bummed after not eating for 24 hours and not getting my turkey sub Sam brought me:-( BTW Samantha Haldeman you are a saint! You have been with me and been my rock, other than Bryan, through this entire nightmare of a situation. I love you more than I can express and have no idea what I would have done without you going through this! Ok, sappy time;-) My night in the hospital was not as bad as last time. I actually slept during the times when I was not getting checked or when they were in and out with my roommate.

Now on to some relaxing, being pampered, and pain! I got my spot set up on the couch and did not move for days except for bathroom breaks when I needed help getting up. My parents had the kids for 10 days so I was able to focus on getting better.  Do you know how hard it is to sit on the couch for 2 weeks straight???? So not easy when you are use to being on the go.

So everything is still going well. I was hoping to get my drains out this past wed at my appt but that did not happen. I will be self conscious and uncomfortable through my bday and Easter weekend. Oh well, this is life. They will be taking them out on Mon, yeahhhhhhhhh! They will also start filling my spacers up so I won't feel like a 10 year old boy!

Jamer started daycare on Monday. I cried the entire day:-( The kido makes me crazy but I could not get past me being a stay at home mom with a kid in daycare. I know it is def the best thing for him but super tough on me when none of my kids have been in reg daycare and always in a co op preschool. Tues I felt better, it was a better transition in the morning and I was able to talk to his teachers. Bryan does drop off and pick up so I don't get that convo time. He is doing great!!!!!

I am still healing and feel like junk if I do to much during the day. I am taking it easy because I don't want to go backward in my recovery. My post op visit with my oncologist is April 16th. I will know the next steps from there.

Thank you so much for your prayers, love, and support. We started the meals back up and I hope you all know how much we appreciate and love your help. I am so behind on thank you letters/messages. You all have been spoiling me like crazy, thank you sooooooo much. I appreciate it more than you will ever know!