First week after chemo

Last Monday I had my first chemo treatment. It was pretty un eventful except for 1/2 way through going to the bathroom and peeing red because of what they call the "red devil" drug.  Bry came with me and was happy as a clam working on our new house plans. I went in there shaking like a leaf and scared out of my mind. They gave me an anti nausea med that had a sedative in it so I could chill out a bit. I finally settled down with my Vampire Diaries. That night was not too bad, I at my comfort food, turkey sub and slept all night. The next day I had my nulesta (sp?) shot that is suppose to take the white blood cells from my bone marrow and bring them back out to cover for all of the ones the chemo killed. That day I could not eat much and every smell bothered me beyond words. The day after my shot was the worst so far. I was nauseous all day and had these horrible bone aches from the shot the day before. I now know that I need to keep up on my meds or I am going to be a hurting puppy! I still have such a hard time with them pumping all of these crazy drugs into me that cause these horrible side effects that need more drugs to counter act them. Whatever I have to do to not have this happen again I am cool with but it still disturbed me quite a bit.

I had an amazing weekend with friends and was feeling super tired but well enough to go out.  I have my next treatment on Tuesday and shot on Thursday. I am worried about being well enough for the Jog for Jugs on Saturday that so many people are walking/running in my honor. I guess I will just have to put on my big girl panties and suck it up for the morning even if that means paying for it on Mother's Day.

Thank you to all at are coming out to support me at the Jog for Jugs! You have no idea how much it means to me and my family to have this much support!  Thank you to everyone who has been making us meals and sending gift cards. It makes our life so much easier and smoother! I hope you all understand how much we appreciate and need these! THANK YOU ALL!

Next Steps

Today I had appointments to see my Oncologist for my post op appointment as well as my plastic surgeon. For the last week I have been super nervous to the point of clenching my teeth till my face hurt and feeling sick to my stomach from stress. Now that I am done with the appointments I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. At the oncologists office I was able to schedule my first 2 chemo appointments. I will be starting on Monday. I will be going every other week for 16 weeks. That puts me at finishing up chemo in the end of July. I am super happy that I will have at least 1 month of my summer without having chemo:-)  I got my port flushed and everything looked great there. Then we were off to the plastic surgeon. He said everything looks great and I am healing nicely. Also I FINALLY GOT MY DRAINS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had them in for 5 weeks so it feels amazing to have them out. One less thing to be self conscious about. Now I only have to worry about my lack of ta tas.  Pretty much good news all around. I am now moving on to the next steps. One more step toward being done:-)

Now on to the not so good news. We have been hit by the stomach bug:-( I had it last week, Bry got it yesterday, and now Mady has it. She stayed with my inlaws last night and was up all night getting sick. Poor Nonna and Grandpa Paul!  Now we are waiting for the other 2 to get it. I am breaking out the Clorox wipes and am sanitizing everything.

New Surgery

Went to see my plastic surgeon today hoping to get my drains out but knowing it was not going to happen. I was right they are still in after 3 weeks! I also thought he was going to start filling up my spacers but that did not happen either:-( I also found out that I have to go in for another surgery on thursday to get a large blood blister cut out and stitched up because it was not healing right. That will be surgery number 4 in 3 months! It will all be good but I am looking forward to some good news!

This past weekend I spent with my amazing family celebrating my birthday and Easter. I am so lucky to have my family here to celebrate this year. So thankful!

Post Surgery

I had my double massectomy on March 12th. I was SUPER nervous going in to the surgery. Bryan made me a playlist of my favorite classical music to make me relax and calm myself down. It helped a ton! Isn't it funny how something as small as listening to music can calm you down.

Surgery went right as planned, yeahhhh! I was only able to have a liquid diet that night so I was super bummed after not eating for 24 hours and not getting my turkey sub Sam brought me:-( BTW Samantha Haldeman you are a saint! You have been with me and been my rock, other than Bryan, through this entire nightmare of a situation. I love you more than I can express and have no idea what I would have done without you going through this! Ok, sappy time;-) My night in the hospital was not as bad as last time. I actually slept during the times when I was not getting checked or when they were in and out with my roommate.

Now on to some relaxing, being pampered, and pain! I got my spot set up on the couch and did not move for days except for bathroom breaks when I needed help getting up. My parents had the kids for 10 days so I was able to focus on getting better.  Do you know how hard it is to sit on the couch for 2 weeks straight???? So not easy when you are use to being on the go.

So everything is still going well. I was hoping to get my drains out this past wed at my appt but that did not happen. I will be self conscious and uncomfortable through my bday and Easter weekend. Oh well, this is life. They will be taking them out on Mon, yeahhhhhhhhh! They will also start filling my spacers up so I won't feel like a 10 year old boy!

Jamer started daycare on Monday. I cried the entire day:-( The kido makes me crazy but I could not get past me being a stay at home mom with a kid in daycare. I know it is def the best thing for him but super tough on me when none of my kids have been in reg daycare and always in a co op preschool. Tues I felt better, it was a better transition in the morning and I was able to talk to his teachers. Bryan does drop off and pick up so I don't get that convo time. He is doing great!!!!!

I am still healing and feel like junk if I do to much during the day. I am taking it easy because I don't want to go backward in my recovery. My post op visit with my oncologist is April 16th. I will know the next steps from there.

Thank you so much for your prayers, love, and support. We started the meals back up and I hope you all know how much we appreciate and love your help. I am so behind on thank you letters/messages. You all have been spoiling me like crazy, thank you sooooooo much. I appreciate it more than you will ever know!

So Thankful

It has been a few weeks since my last post. I have been enjoying this time of feeling good and spending lots of time with my family and friends without being at doctors appointments or in the hospital 3-4 times a week. This upcoming Tuesday I will be having my double mastectomy along with reconstructive surgery. It is inpatient so we will be there overnight. At least this time we are planning for it so it will not be a surprise. Nonna will be watching the kids at my house for the 2 days I am in the hospital and my parents will then take the kids to Saratoga for 10 days. I am sure I will miss them but I am going to take this time for me to recover and heal so that when I get the kids back I will hopefully be able to move around pretty well.  

Bryan and I had to make a VERY hard decision to put Jamyson into daycare while I am recovering from the surgery. He will be full time until I am recovered and then part time through my chemo. Not only is it hard for me to be a stay at home Mom and put my kid in daycare, it makes me so very sad that I will not going to be able to take care of him for a few weeks. In the end we know this is the best decision for both him and I. We debated putting him in a center or at home care and thought with his energy level he needs a center to be around kids his own age as well as having daily structure. The place he is in has a huge playground, and a gymnasium with a bouncy bounce, bikes, scooters, cars, and slides. He is not going to want to come home:-) Financially this is going to be really hard but we are cutting back a lot and this is not a permanent thing. 

Today I spent my morning with Mady, Sam and Bella doing Muffins with Mom at the preschool and then on to a birthday party for their friend Heidi. Sitting here, I know these are going to be memories that we will all remember. Going through this process has made me appreciate the little things. I also do not take my friends and family for granted. Tonight the Haldeman's are coming over to do our "Thanksgiving" in March that we do every year. I am taking this silent moment while the kids are napping and Bry is out with Bryan Paul to be thankful for so many things in my life. I have a husband who loves me more than life itself. My kids are happy and healthy. I thank my lucky stars that this is happening to me and not one of them!!!!! I have a supportive , loving and healthy family. My friends, there are no words to express how much they have rallied and been with me through this entire process. Pretty much I a lucky girl!

Last week, I was out for a run. It was about 5:30 am, about 25 degrees, and pitch black outside. It was one of those times when nobody else is around, it's perfectly still outside, and there's nothing around to distract you from your thoughts. You know the feeling... the stillness and quiet leaves nothing between you and your deepest thoughts and sense of being. Nowhere to hide.

I couldn't stop thinking about the previous few days and some of the things that you've been saying to me and feelings you've expressed. The entire run, it consumed my every thought.

The next day, I was listening to my book, once again on a run. And almost as if answering my thoughts, there was a passage in the book that described Abraham Lincoln and what made him incredible:

“Having hope means that one will not give in to overwhelming anxiety, a defeatist attitude or depression in the face of difficult challenges or setbacks. Hope is more than a sunny view that everything will turn out alright. It is believing you have the will and the way to accomplish your goals." 

Daniel Goleman, in "Emotional Intelligence" (1995) (As quoted by Goodwin)

You see, it's not his courage, or his perseverance, or his vision that made him great, but his hope. He had enough hope to carry himself, his family, his Cabinet, his country, and really, all of humanity through one of the darkest times in human history. And that, Amanda, is what it takes to get through.

Jog for Jugs

My AMAZING friends and family have decided to join me in doing either a 5K or 1/2  Marathon. It is going to be May 11th. We have been doing this race for the last 2 years. Who knew that this year everyone would be doing the race in my honor! I am so blessed to have such an amazing support system! If you would like to join us for the race you can sign up here:
https://sites.google.com/a/powerhouseathleticsny.com/power-house-athletics/races/j4j_2010  

You can contact Samantha Haldeman at shaldeman@nycap.rr.com if you would like to have a shirt. My brother Nick is making shirts for anyone that would like one. He designed a tree that is on the back of the shirt with all of my supporters names.