Last week, I was out for a run. It was about 5:30 am, about 25 degrees, and pitch black outside. It was one of those times when nobody else is around, it's perfectly still outside, and there's nothing around to distract you from your thoughts. You know the feeling... the stillness and quiet leaves nothing between you and your deepest thoughts and sense of being. Nowhere to hide.

I couldn't stop thinking about the previous few days and some of the things that you've been saying to me and feelings you've expressed. The entire run, it consumed my every thought.

The next day, I was listening to my book, once again on a run. And almost as if answering my thoughts, there was a passage in the book that described Abraham Lincoln and what made him incredible:

“Having hope means that one will not give in to overwhelming anxiety, a defeatist attitude or depression in the face of difficult challenges or setbacks. Hope is more than a sunny view that everything will turn out alright. It is believing you have the will and the way to accomplish your goals." 

Daniel Goleman, in "Emotional Intelligence" (1995) (As quoted by Goodwin)

You see, it's not his courage, or his perseverance, or his vision that made him great, but his hope. He had enough hope to carry himself, his family, his Cabinet, his country, and really, all of humanity through one of the darkest times in human history. And that, Amanda, is what it takes to get through.

Jog for Jugs

My AMAZING friends and family have decided to join me in doing either a 5K or 1/2  Marathon. It is going to be May 11th. We have been doing this race for the last 2 years. Who knew that this year everyone would be doing the race in my honor! I am so blessed to have such an amazing support system! If you would like to join us for the race you can sign up here:
https://sites.google.com/a/powerhouseathleticsny.com/power-house-athletics/races/j4j_2010  

You can contact Samantha Haldeman at shaldeman@nycap.rr.com if you would like to have a shirt. My brother Nick is making shirts for anyone that would like one. He designed a tree that is on the back of the shirt with all of my supporters names.

We have a Plan!

The last 2 weeks have been quite hectic. Lots going on with so little time. So here is an update on what has been going on. In my last post I informed everyone that I am getting a double mastectomy. I went last week on Wednesday and got my drain out, YEAHHHHHH!  I was feeling pretty good almost a day after it was out so I was very happy about that. At that appointment I found out that I am getting what they call a Simple Mastectomy. I am still not doing any internet researching so I really thought that they were going to just cut off everything. I am not going to go into too much detail (Google it if you want to know) but that is not the case for me. Finding this out made me feel a ton better! I also went to see a plastic surgeon because I am going to have reconstructive surgery at the same time as I get the mastectomy. He explained that they put spacers in to stretch out the skin and fill them weekly until the desired size. Bryan has referred to them as his own personal punching bags:-) When I am done with chemo they will then have another surgery to switch out the spacers and place in the implants.  Wonderful, another surgery! Oh well I will at least have a nice rack when I am finished. Because my surgeon and my plastic surgeon had to find a time where they are both available and the OR is available I am not scheduled for everything until March 12th. That means that I will have to wait for 4-6 weeks after that surgery to start chemo. My goal of being done before summer is now pushed back. That is OK, because I am looking forward to a few weeks of normalcy for my family. The kids have been pretty hard to deal with recently. I think that they are sensing the stress of everything going on.

On another note I spent the day at the ER with Jamyson this week. He decided that he was going to eat Bryan Paul's medication instead of his breakfast. I called poison control and they told me to call 911. I was worried that may be overkill so I called the kids pediatrician and she said to call 911 as well. I asked if I could just bring him to the ER and she said no, call 911 now because he could go into respiratory distress. So I made my first ambulance ride with a screaming child who did not want to be strapped down. I had the other 2 kids so I made a frantic call to Bryan telling him to get home, NOW. I also ran to my neighbors house and asked her if she would mind staying with the kids until Bry got home. My Mother In Law came over and took the kids so Bry could go back to work. Long story short, Jamyson is fine, he was super mellow at the hospital and snuggled in the bed with me all day because they wanted to observe him for 6 hours. Anyone who knows Jamyson knows he is NEVER mellow. Those meds calmed him right down. My Mother in law told me not to get any ideas;-)

I got my port installed this morning. I am not very happy about where they positioned it because I am not going to be able to wear lower cut shirts. I thought that it was going to be closer to my bra line but it is more toward the center. It is also kind of freaky feeling. I keep trying to get Bry to feel it but he is way to freaked out. He is fine with me getting all of these surgery's but freaks out because of the port. It was kind of nice to be in and out of the hospital in 4 hours and everything went as planned.

 Because of the fact that I am feeling good for the next couple of weeks we have stopped the meals. I really enjoy cooking and it is an out for my stress. Samantha will be contacting everyone when we start it back up. I have been informed that after the mastectomy I am not going to be able to do anything for almost 2 weeks. I am sure I will be needing tons of help then. Thank you so much for everyone support. The meals, care packages, cards, thoughts and prayers mean so much to me and my family! We would not be able to do this without you all!

Plans have changed!

Sorry it has been so long since my last post. It has taken me a bit of time to digest the latest information that we have received. 

So after the last week of doctors appointments we have finally decided on me having a double mastectomy.  It has been a really hard and emotionally draining decision for both me and my family.  We do feel that it is the right direction to go. After dealing with all of the complications and pain from the last surgery I am not looking forward to dealing with that again. The plus side to all of this is that I get a free boob job;-) To all those out there where that is a bit of TMI, sorry but this is a definite positive for me!

So what the plan for this week is I will be meeting with my surgeon to remove my drain, yeahhhhh!!!!!! This is exciting because I will finally get a few showers in before my next surgery.  I will also be meeting with my plastic surgeon. When asking Bry if he can be available for this appointment he asked me if they would have models there to pick out sizes during the appointment!?!?!  We are definitely trying to hold on to our humor:-) When they do the surgery they will at the same time install the port for chemo, as well as do the reconstructive surgery.  I will know more details toward the end of the week.  This means that chemo will be put off for at least 4-6 week after my surgery so I am completely healed. 

As always leaving on a positive note... Because I am having the mastectomy I may not have to get radiation and I get a boob job!!  I also will not have to put my wigs to use  for another month or two:-)

Still waiting

It has been a bit since I posted so I am going to try and give an overview of the last week.

I got in to see my surgeon on Tuesday and they placed a drain back in because the fluid buildup (sonoma, very common after surgeries) was really bad. Tests came back that it was not infected though so that was good news. Because of this they put off my start date for chemo. I was suppose to start today. I know this is horrible but I am not upset that they are putting it off. I know, the earlier you start the earlier you finish but I am still wanting as much semi normalcy in my life for a bit longer. Other good news is that I am finally not in a crazy amount of pain right now. I am off all pain killers.

My PET scan (the one that they injected the radioactive stuff into me, made me drink a huge bottle of barium, and then took a ton of pictures) came back NEGATIVE for any other cancer in my body!!!!!! More good news!!! Even the spot that they still have to remove is not cancerous, yet.

This past weekend my best friends got together with me and we has a girls afternoon! It was much needed but there was a part that I was VERY nervous about. We were getting our hair cut and I was going to be picking out wigs. We had a delicious sushi lunch, can't have that when I start chemo. Then we headed to the salon. Everyone got in for their cuts before me so I started to panic sitting by myself and not wanting to deal with the whole wig thing! I got through it. Sam was actually finished before I had to go in for my first consultation so that made me feel a ton better! I got my hair cut and then went back in for the remainder of my consultation. All my girls were able to go back in with me for this one, YEAHHHHH! They actually made something so stressful into something fun! We found 2 wigs that I LOVE! You can barely tell them apart from my normal hair except they have AWESOME highlights:-) Then we started to have some more fun. I tried on a blond pixy cut wig (Bry is not a fan of the pixy cut) and sent the picture to Bryan saying that was the wig I was getting. He actually believed me, HAHAHAHA!!!! So all in all we had a wonderful day. Now to keep my husband from making faces and mustaches on my manikins is going to be harder than I thought. I am hiding any and all markers!

We did broach the subject with the kids that Mommy is going to lose her hair because of the medicine that they are going to use to make sure that the thing in her body that should not be there does not come back. They took it well. Bryan said that they were all going to shave their heads too. Mady was all on board, I don't think she got it. Bryan Paul pretty much said NO! On that same subject I have had many people including my husband, best friends, brother's who have said they are shaving their heads when I have to. This is one thing that I am not going to allow! I am honored that everyone wants to do this to support me but I really feel like it would make it harder for me. I don't have to look at myself  or I will be wearing a wig or a hat. If everyone else around me shaves their heads then I will have a constant reminder of what is going on. I hope that everyone understands and respects this! The only people who are allowed to shave their heads are Dennis and Dan:-) 

So for now we are waiting to hear back about my genetic testing and to make sure that my sonoma is under control  to make a date for my next surgery, either a double mastectomy with a port installation, or removing the remainder of the tissue and the port installation. I will keep you updated when I have an appt and what the results are. Until then chemo is put off until I am healed from the surgery.

I am enjoying my time with my friends and family and not having so many tests, scans, and doctor appts this week. You don't know how much you appreciate it until most of your time is focused on appts instead of your family.

For everyone that is here for us through these last couple of week as well as the up coming one we want you to know how much we love you all and appreciate everything that you are doing for us. Making meals, sending care packages, cards, flowers, gift cards, house cleaning and helping out with the kids make our lives so much easier and so loved!  From the bottom of our hearts we thank you!